Unlikely Story

An Unlikely Interview with Brynn McNabb

In the spirit of our issue of deliberately terrible fiction, we asked our authors some deliberately terrible questions. Luckily, they were kind enough to play along. Here’s what Brynn McNabb, author of Why, Ethan, Why?!?!? 🙁 had to say…

Where do you get your ideas?

I grow them in a window box. I get the seeds for cheap at the farmer’s market.

Have you written anything I’ve heard of?

Well, I write short fiction, so--

Nope, I haven’t heard of that. Have you considered writing more like Stephen King or J.K. Rowling? They seem to be pretty popular and rich, so maybe you should do that.

I considered it, but it would just be too easy.

I have a really great idea for a story about a cowboy and an astronaut who are best friends. It’s kind of like Toy Story, except set during the time of The Great Gatsby, only it takes place in the Lost City of Atlantis. Robert Redford would be perfect for the movie version. Why don’t you write it, and we can split the profit 50/50? Maybe 70/30 since I came up with the idea and that’s the hard part. What do you think?

I’m sorry, I only pay flat rate for ideas, and it sounds like you’ve just given me most of your idea for free. Good luck proving I didn’t come up with that on my own.

And on a slightly more serious note (but only slightly), given your story is gracing the fine pixilated pages of an issue of deliberately terrible fiction: Do you have any regrets?

Sure. I should’ve married a doctor.

Brynn MacNab is uniquely qualified to present this story, as she is secretly the princess of an unpronounceable--I mean, exotically named--land. She is deeply offended to be included in the Journal of Unlikely Story Acceptances, although something like this was bound to happen sooner or later. She has been writing fantasy for far too long to continue to get away with it. If you would like to subject yourself to more of her published stories, you can find them at brynnmacnab.blogspot.com.

An Unlikely Interview with Andrew Kaye

In the spirit of our issue of deliberately terrible fiction, we asked our authors some deliberately terrible questions. Luckily, they were kind enough to play along. Here’s what Andrew Kaye, author of Whinny If You Love Me: A Love Story had to say…

Where do you get your ideas?

The usual places: In the smiles of good friends. The laughter of children. The warm embrace of costumed superheroes. The bathroom.

Have you written anything I’ve heard of?

I’ve lately grown bored with traditional writing, and I’ve branched out into new and exciting techniques. My last project was an epic fantasy novel called The Great Ring of Power: The Adventures of Dick Malicious, Wizard First Class: A Fictional Novel in Three Parts: Episode 1 of 9 of the Malicious Circle Series. The novel was written entirely in condiments on over 200 slices of bread. You probably haven’t heard of it though because the bread went moldy and I had to throw it out, but my cousin took pictures of each slice and I’ll upload them on deviantART once he remembers the code to his cell phone.

Nope, I haven’t heard of that. Have you considered writing more like Stephen King or J.K. Rowling? They seem to be pretty popular and rich, so maybe you should do that.

I have to disagree with you. My young adult fantasy novel Dick Malicious and the Sorcerer’s Stone hasn’t been selling very well. And my horror novel The Squirts, which is about a sentient fire hydrant that starts murdering children in a small suburban town, has performed pretty poorly as well. I think the real money is in imitating Tolkien. It’s worked for a lot of authors so far.

I have a really great idea for a story about a cowboy and an astronaut who are best friends. It’s kind of like Toy Story, except set during the time of The Great Gatsby, only it takes place in the Lost City of Atlantis. Robert Redford would be perfect for the movie version. Why don’t you write it, and we can split the profit 50/50? Maybe 70/30 since I came up with the idea and that’s the hard part. What do you think?

I think if you change Toy Story to The Last Unicorn, The Great Gatsby to The Age of Innocence, and the Lost City of Atlantis to the Cloud City of Bespin, you might have something I could work with. Robert Redford would be perfect for the role of Manny Coreman, the tough-as-nails robotic manticore I’m envisioning.

And on a slightly more serious note (but only slightly), given your story is gracing the fine pixilated pages of an issue of deliberately terrible fiction: Do you have any regrets?

I regret nothing!

Andrew Kaye hails from the suburban wilderness of Northern Virginia with his wife and kids. His (definitely not terrible) fiction has appeared in Daily Science Fiction and Electric Velocipede, among other fine magazines. When not writing, Andrew draws cartoons and edits the humor magazine Defenestration, which are parts one and two of his seventeen-step plan for world domination. Feel free to bother him on Twitter @andrewkaye.

An Unlikely Interview with Siobhan Gallagher

In the spirit of our issue of deliberately terrible fiction, we asked our authors some deliberately terrible questions. Luckily, they were kind enough to play along. Here’s what Siobhan Gallagher, author of Twisty had to say…

Where do you get your ideas?

Everywhere. Though for “Twisty” it’s the dissatisfaction of a poorly done twist (or many twists). I suppose an alternative title for this could’ve been, “Dean Koontz: Why the The Taking sucks!” But maybe that’s too extreme…or not extreme enough.

Have you written anything I’ve heard of?

Well I do have this one piece--

Nope, I haven’t heard of that. Have you considered writing more like Stephen King or J.K. Rowling? They seem to be pretty popular and rich, so maybe you should do that.

Why not do one better and write horrific tales of horror for children? Money maker right there!

I have a really great idea for a story about a cowboy and an astronaut who are best friends. It’s kind of like Toy Story, except set during the time of The Great Gatsby, only it takes place in the Lost City of Atlantis. Robert Redford would be perfect for the movie version. Why don’t you write it, and we can split the profit 50/50? Maybe 70/30 since I came up with the idea and that’s the hard part. What do you think?

Sure! And we’ll call it “Dr. Strangelove Rides Again”.

And on a slightly more serious note (but only slightly), given your story is gracing the fine pixilated pages of an issue of deliberately terrible fiction: Do you have any regrets?

My only regret is that I don’t have more tea. But really, if some sort of joy or entertainment value can be derived from a piece of fiction, is it still bad? …Well yeah, probably is--but at least it’s not boring! Boring fiction is the worse. Perhaps that’ll be the next year’s issue, Unlikely Boringness.

Siobhan Gallagher is a wannabe zombie slayer, currently residing in Arizona. Her fiction has appeared in several publications, including AE -- The Canadian Science Fiction Review, COSMOS Online, Abyss & Apex, and the Unidentified Funny Objects anthology. Occasionally, she does this weird thing called ‘blogging’ at: defconcanwrite.blogspot.com.

An Unlikely Interview with Julie Frost

In the spirit of our issue of deliberately terrible fiction, we asked our authors some deliberately terrible questions. Luckily, they were kind enough to play along. Here’s what Julie Frost, author of War of the Were-Mice had to say…

Where do you get your ideas?

I troll through Yahoo!Answers and steal them from dewy-eyed teenagers after telling them that no one will steal their ideas.

Actually, I get them from everywhere. A glove in the road. Mouse shows. Themed anthologies about coffee, cyborgs, glam bars, or necromancers. Errant clichés, such as “quiet graveyards.” Song lyrics. Jack and the Beanstalk. A honeycomb. Giant bugs. Remarks that friends make about “angry bitter angels” or bears being “big, dumb, and dangerous.” Seriously, they come from everywhere. I just have to be alert enough to write them down when they happen and then get into the brainspace of creating Story from that little tiny nugget.

Have you written anything I’ve heard of?

I wrote a short story about a werewolf private investigator whose case involved a were-squonk. It was called “Different in Blood” and appeared in a well-regarded, award-winning small press called “Plasma Frequency.” You…might be noticing a pattern here.

Nope, I haven’t heard of that. Have you considered writing more like Stephen King or J.K. Rowling? They seem to be pretty popular and rich, so maybe you should do that.

I might, were I a novelist rather than a short story writer. Alas, writing novels is apparently not
part of my skill set. At least not yet. As it is, I’ll toil away in the trenches of short fiction and hope I can one day wring seven novels out of one idea rather than ten short stories/novelettes starring the same characters. Uh, don’t hold your breath.

I have a really great idea for a story about a cowboy and an astronaut who are best friends. It’s kind of like Toy Story, except set during the time of The Great Gatsby, only it takes place in the Lost City of Atlantis. Robert Redford would be perfect for the movie version. Why don’t you write it, and we can split the profit 50/50? Maybe 70/30 since I came up with the idea and that’s the hard part. What do you think?

Let’s see. 70% of nothin’, carry the nothin’… What’s this “profit” of which you speak?

And on a slightly more serious note (but only slightly), given your story is gracing the fine pixilated pages of an issue of deliberately terrible fiction: Do you have any regrets?

I regret that I didn’t start writing much earlier than I did. Protip for the kiddies: Don’t stop in high school like I did and then take it up again in your forties. That’s a whole lot of wasted years. On the other hand, I was a truly terrible writer in high school and never finished anything, so maybe wisdom (or at least better writing) has come with age. I like to think so, anyway.

Julie Frost lives in the beautiful Salt Lake Valley with her family among a slew of anteaters, toucans, and Oaxacan carvings, some of which intersect. You can read her blog at agilebrit.livejournal.com/. No actual mice or cockroaches were harmed in the writing of this story, although all family members (including the pets) lost several brain cells.

Journal of Unlikely Story Acceptances
Issue 8.5 – April 1, 2014

Table of Contents

War of the Were-Mice by Julie Frost
Twisty by Siobhan Gallagher
Whinny If You Love Me: A Love Story by Andrew Kaye
Why, Ethan, Why?!?!? 🙁 by Brynn MacNab
All Flesh is Grass by Kelda Crich
Preface by Bernie Mojzes

Editors Note

Dear Reader,

Welcome to the Journal of Unlikely Acceptances! Whats unlikely about it, you exclaim? The whole thing! Everyone knows theirs no such thing as bad fiction. All author’s know theres only bad readers who fail to recognize the genius of our work. You know who uses grammer and spellcheck? People with no imagination! You no who tells you to know the rules of storytelling before you break them? Them! The people who want to keep us out of they’re little secret clubhouse so they can get all the awards and all the publishing contracts and all the money, that’s what! Everyone knows editors don’t read the submissions anyway because they don’t want to publish you so why even bother to read there stupid guidelines. Just send whatever story, then you can write them about what jerks they are for not publishing it and rub it in their faces when it does get published and everyone loves it. Then they’ll be sorry. You’ll all be sory!

Ahem.

All of which is to say, we hope you enjoy this issue of deliberately terrible flash fiction. In the spirit of the issue, we fully welcome reviews where it’s clear you haven’t read the story, and you hate it because it isn’t a recipe for banana bread, which is what you were really in the mood to read.

Happy April Fool’s Day!

The Editors

Cover art by Suedo Nimh